I was trapped and could not get out. I had a vivid dream about being imprisoned in an endless, cyclical dream. My “primary problem” kept coming into focus again and again, from room to room, beckoning anger, aggression and negativity towards me. Eventually the vision lifted and I came out of my subconscious state and back into the desert of the real.
I looked at my watch and it was exactly 5:20am. And at that exact point, my daughter opened the door of my bedroom and climbed into our bed for a snuggle, something she had not done for quite some time. Why though? Was it that I was talking or shouting in my sleep? Was it that we have a connected consciousness (sub or super consciousness) and she knew that something wasn’t right? Was it that she just a part of my projected subjective human experience and does not even exist in the first place, other than to be a reminder, a breadcrumb to keep me on my path to enlightenment.
I tell you what was real though, “K” being the filling of a parent sandwich, kicking and nudging her way back to sleep. As a result, I lay there and started to think about something I had read about recently in terms being resilient in social occasions. It was a step-by-step run down of how to kick start conversations, how to stay hydrated, how best avoid people of negativity (energy vampires) and how not to end up with a hangover in work the next day. The reason for this I guess was that I was the self-elected party organiser for next week, my colleague “N” leaving the company to go get married back in her motherland before she emigrates to the US. The plan is quite good, time for social drinking, time for eating without alcohol (halal restaurant) and time for cocktails. I have decided to allow myself alcohol for the first time in a month, on the principle that if I stick to one drink an hour, have plenty of food and even more water, then even if it does mean me losing the “Bladder Stakes” early, I’ll be able to function almost properly the next day (“The best-laid schemes o’ mice an men, gang aft agley”).
All of this plan was mentally noted, but at 5:50am and no sign of sleep near, I decided to go downstairs for my daily dose of dharma. After reading up a little about zazen meditation yesterday, I decided to adopt some postures and practices, sitting in the half lotus position, my mudras deployed into cosmic mode. I started off by doing the yoga breath of fire twice and then brought my focus upon the rise and fall of the breath. When I was again calm, I hit play on a Spotify playlist I have had for a while now and not given any attention to. Titled Solfeggio Frequencies, they are tunes / compositions which resonate at certain frequencies. I’m not sure what each frequency is meant to signify, but I’ll find out over the coming days. One thing is for sure, I found it helped me to get deep, get with the rhythm, seemingly it entered my core and sang a merry duet with my tinnitus.
All of a sudden I felt a significant intensity of energy, surging around, lifting me up almost. It was then I “saw” something, a something as before, not by way of a vision but a feeling, a presence (but not spirit), an experience. I had the feeling I was in like a tunnel-type environment. It sounds very cheesy and clichéd but that was what presented itself. It wasn’t how others have experienced though, a shining light at the end full of “peace, love and understanding” (to quote Elvis Costello), it was just a tube. Maybe it was because I had a solitary mood candle on, and my hypnogogic state under closed eyelids had given me a false experience, I wasn’t quite sure. Either way, it was quite something. The experience then drew back and fell away back into the void, replacing itself with total blackness, almost as if to say there is something here matey, stick around, stick to what you are doing and all will be revealed.
After the vision had subsided, I decided to trace the Level Two symbols and put myself in a calm place mentally and emotionally for the day. Two Cho Ku Rei either side of the Sei He Ki symbol. In an instant I realised something, the reason why I was doing all of this. Like a great many things in life, if you do things by the book, then that is not really empowering one to make their own decisions, find their own way. In that brief instant, I had decided that even if I attain Level Three Reiki at some point in the future, I’ll only be doing it for myself. From my understanding so far, Level One is all about self-treatment. Level Two is about “powering up” and treating others. Level 3 is about the final stage and training others. But. And it’s a big but. I’m not doing this for others (just now). I’m doing it for myself (just now). Me (just now). And only me (just now). If as a bi-product, I become wiser, calmer, more spiritual, more approachable to others, then that is how they will benefit from my practices in this thing. I will continue to read the “Reiki for Life” manual, but I will adopt my own practices, I will create my own approach, my own “book”, a book which draws on yoga and meditation and zen and reiki and holistic therapies and self-hypnosis and new age theories and quantum mechanics and of course skateboarding. There may come a time where I offer up services (paid or otherwise) to others, but that will present itself when and if it is ready. That time is not now.
The final thing I realised before my meditation was over, was how I dealt with and continue to deal with my “primary problem”. That, now, is very clear to me. When it was a waking problem for me, it manifested itself in the conscious state. It manifested itself into physical ailments. It manifested itself into dark clouds of rage – hurting those close to me. What I have done now is compartmentalised my “primary problem” and filed it away at the back of my subconscious, super-conscious even. There it will lie dormant. I acknowledge that it exists only during the hours of sleep and every now and again it will be unleashed from Pandoras Box in the dream-state, only for me to round it up again with my virtual sheepdog, putting it back in its pen. I have tried to deal with it in many ways over many attempts in the waking reality, but I have failed every time. Some things are just not meant to be and are what they are. I do know that some day (sooner or later) that it will re-present itself, and I will have to deal with that, but not yet. I will wait until it is pushed to me and deal with it then, safe in the knowledge that what I do know is preparing me, giving me techniques and an angle to deal with such matters as they arise, with minimal impact on my kin.
Quite a log to cram in at 5:50am in the morning, but I felt good about things, the momentum I have just now is great. The rest of the day was spent busying myself with tying all my loose ends up at work as I had a long weekend coming up, planned day off Monday with wifey…