Half a person…


You can tell someone is not in a good place when you cast a sideways glance at their On-The-Go iPod playlist. A selection of slow and depressing songs by The Smiths effectively condemns the listener to a dark, thought seeking, soul searching recess of their mind in search for answers, crying out for focus. Stress really is a mind fuck; turning previous able capacity to multi-task into the useless, rendering the incumbant gibberous, gittery and unable to perform basic tasks. Sometimes trying to speak is like a 5 year old trying to understand quarks and string theory.

Spare a thought for people in dark places. Even the strong willed, strong minded and most confident of people (on the outside) crumble under pressure once in a while.

Like I have said to many of late, 2011 was one the best years for me and mine. I could not actually think of anything else I (or the family) would have, should have or could have achieved last year. And 2012 personally started well with great appraisal, performance related bonus and promotion. And then the grey clouds gathered and descended one Friday morning and changed things.

The word cancer. Cancer. CANCER. The more you hear the word, the louder it becomes. The more you hear the word, the scarier it becomes. Even when the consultant says that as cancers go, it’s one of the better ones, it still does not soften the blow. Instantly, thoughts turn to answers and inevitably blame. In my wife’s case, she has every right to turn to blame. Mis-diagnosis of cancer for over a year has led to the spread of it, the growth of it, the hatred it and of the system that gestated and gave birth to it. Now is not the time for retribution, although that time will come. Now is not the time to turn to blame. Now is this time to focus on what really is important. Her…

She is my world. Those first words, those first conversations post diagnosis seemed so surreal. For those brief moments, my world ended; the thought of losing her made her life flash in front of my eyes. The initial seconds of dread, numbness and foreboding will stay with me, forever. But after those first seconds which seemed to last minutes, hours even, had passed, reality kicked in and it was time to be strong. For her. For the family.

I wane. But I wane in my time, my private time, or at least try to. She needs support. She may continue on business as usual, but I know it consumes her every thought. It would mine.

So here I sit, blogging instead of catching up on the work I’m falling behind on. But this is my time. It is 21:59 and it is my time, my private time until I return home. Not catching up leaves me open to the machine and pressure tomorrow. But right now, for her now, it is a far off place. Must. Focus. On. Her.

Fuck the machine.

This blogger is not sending out a cry for help. This is a blogger. An honest blogger. A blogger painting a picture of reality. A blogger not conforming to the happy day scenario of ever-positive Facebook and Twitter status updates. Just a blogger. Using the media of the day to express sentiment.

So I may be half a person just now, but half a person inside. For her…

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3 thoughts on “Half a person…

  1. Tough times mate. You hear the words, they register then your bodies self-defence mechanism kicks in. Cry? Maybe. Shake your head in disbelief? Almost certainly. I’ve had two comparable events in recent years and the over-riding feeling I got was how surreal the whole situation was. Overwhelming, yet still able to function. You almost hate yourself for it, as though you should be focussed 100% on that and nothing else, yet your body knows better, it knows you must go on, do the mundane things that thread your life together. Either that or sit back and be consumed by negative emotions, that are neither helpful or productive. Be strong, be supportive, hope for the best. You’ll get through this time and you’ll be stronger for it. Do what you have to do, share the pain and be there. That’s all you as a person can do. Trust to science, it’ll be more comfort than prayer. The world evolves, ideas evolve, medicine evolves and console yourself that there has NEVER been a better time than now for a full recovery to be made.

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  2. I just read this after replying….you have captured and described what you are feeling in a way I was not sure possible in words…I have said my piece in the reply but you have it right..you know what to do an when you don’t, write…run..the answers will come.

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  3. What to say, Michael, what to say… I keep thinking “phone Mikey” and then something else happens…a dirty nappy, an escalated call in work. Not that that’s a valid excuse, I should have called you.

    You’ve got so much on your plate I know, aside from the topic of this blog, but if you want a sly pint let me know. We’re only 20 mins apart, I know we have 25th booked to meet up with Neil and Ian, but if you want to have a pint, let me know. If you want me to call round… If you want to call round here. If you want to talk, phone me. I’ll phone you…

    I know you have your family, but we’re here if you need us – you and Nicky.

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